The first and the last earthly words that my mother ever spoke to me were, ironically, the same: Happy Birthday.

She always told me that the moment the doctor put my squirming little body in her arms she touched my face and said, “Happy Birthday, my girl.” And every year thereafter, she continued the tradition.

Thirty-four years later, on the evening of October the tenth, she said those words for the last time as my Dad held the phone to her mouth and coached her from her hospital bed. Her voice was muffled and her words not fully formed, but I heard them clearly. She soon slipped into a coma and never regained consciousness before passing from this life into eternity, six days later.

Since then each birthday has carried new meaning. There are no more maternal calls or birthday cards; no one who knows how to pick just the right gift because she squirreled away the idea after hearing me mentioned it in a conversation seven months before; no mom to pray such thorough blessings over the upcoming year of life.

While that kind of loss sometimes threatens to overwhelm, in truth, my Heavenly Father really has become a wonderful Mother, even as I wait for a glorious reunion with mom in Heaven one day. And until then, I’ve got the echo of her last words to meet me on my birthday each year—the memory of a mom who summoned all of her remaining strength so that I could remember the voice that greeted me the moment I entered this world.

Happy Birthday, my girl.

In addition to those audible memories, I’ve also got a box-load of written prayers (so thorough, in fact, that she once dedicated an entire page to the safety of my car’s electronic system!). Legacy ensconced in cardboard, the box overflows with the many notes and cards, holiday menu plans and Christmas gift lists that she left behind for us.

As I mark my 39^th birthday in the same week that we mark the 5^th anniversary of her passing, those paged have taken on greater significance.

It’s been awhile since I pulled down that box of memories; the need to revisit has waned a little bit more over time. But this week, as I was cleaning out some old files, I came across a stack of mom’s notebooks that caused me to marvel again at how just a glimpse of my mom’s handwriting can cut right to my heart. Perhaps it’s because one’s handwriting is such a unique, individual identifier; but more likely, it’s because when I see her script across the front of these old cards, I know that I will never again open my mailbox to be surprised by an envelope stuffed with local newspaper clippings and magazine recipes.

Sitting there on my bed, surrounded by pages of her distinct cursive, I said, “Lord, I’d give anything to open up the mail one day and have just one more letter from mom. Just one more chance to open up the mail and see her handwriting again.”

Feelings of guilt met that prayer—there are many who would give anything to have what I’ve already received. And yet, I couldn’t help but wish that one day I’d be lucky enough to be like those people on the news who get a postcard delivered thirty years late (heck, I’d wait 50!) Shrugging off what felt like the beginning of a self-pity fest, I put the letters back in the box, cleaned up my files, and busied myself with another chore.

As I began to pull together the ingredients for dinner, my dad offered to go check the mail for me. When he walked in the door, he handed me a package that had come from my old Christian high school teacher. Even though I haven’t seen her since the early 90’s, she had recently sent me a message through Facebook asking for my address so that she could pass along an old “school memento” that she had found. As I tore open the envelope, I secretly hoped I wouldn’t find a long-lost photo from an ill-fated volleyball game in which she’d coached me (or worse, a photo from the Spring Banquet during which I thought it would be cool to wear a hat!).

I tore open the envelope and found gloves. Navy blue, knitted gloves. The were beautiful, but they weren’t mine! In fact, didn’t recognize them at all. Did they belong to another classmate with whom she was confusing me? I didn’t know where they came from, but I did know that they never belonged to me. The envelope also contained a folded half sheet of paper and so I eagerly turned to it for clues.

And when I unfolded the note, I was immediately overcome.

It was my mom’s handwriting.

Over twenty years ago my mom sent a note to my teacher asking that I be excused from gym class that day. It was a very funny note that was brimming with her personality and charm. I found myself laughing through tears, having forgotten just how unexpectedly delightful her humor could be.

Dear Ms. Gaydosh,

 

Please excuse Melissa from your gym class today as we consider the fourth day after Colombus Day to be a family holiday.

 

Sincerely,

Mrs. Raymond Falk

President of the Nina, Pinta and the Santa Maria Foundation

Another note behind this one explained that my teacher had saved the correspondence years ago, tucking it away in a book of Jewish proverbs. Long since forgetting it was there, she set the book out in a yard sale this summer, where a man flipped through its pages, uncovering the note. At first she thought to discard it but then, knowing that I’d lost my mom a few years back, decided to save it for a few months and then send it to me when Columbus day rolled around. She thought I might like to “see her handwriting” again.

She didn’t know that she was holding it until my 39th birthday.

 

She didn’t know that she was sending it as we marked the 5^th year anniversary of mom’s death.

 

She didn’t know that just an hour before her package arrived, Helen Falk’s daughter would pray, “Lord, I’d give anything for one more letter from mom; just to open up the mail and to see her handwriting again.

No, my teacher didn’t know any of that. But God sure did. And so, for my 39^th birthday, I was given one of the greatest blessings I could ever dream of receiving.

Not only did I receive another letter from my amazing mother, but I was reminded again that my Heavenly Father hears the desires of His daughter’s heart and can bring a twenty-two year old note out of hiding at just the right moment, all to say,

Happy Birthday, My Girl.

Today, North Shore Animal League Featured Gracie’s Adoption Story on their Facebook Page. It’s a testimony of God’s work through our partnership and is an answer to our prayer that God would make His name famous through our lives. In only 2 hours, that testimony is approaching almost 2,000 likes! What an incredible blessing!

I’d dreamed for most of my life of growing up and adopting a big mutt that would traverse wooded trails and sandy beaches with me; who would let me cry into her neck when I was heart-broken and make walking through the front door a joyous reunion. When I moved to a small pastorate in New England, the timing was perfect, and after a prayerful search, God led me to love in a fur coat!

Welcoming Gracie Home from the Shelter

Shortly after I adopted Gracie, I was on a date with a man who was also in the ministry. When he learned that I’d just adopted a dog, he looked at her photo with distaste and asked, “So…what’s the life expectancy on a dog like that?” As he was doing the mental math, trying to figure out a timeline for relationship after the dog was dead, I was doing the mental math, trying to figure out how soon I could get out of the coffee shop! 🙂 There was something very “Anti-Kingdom-of-God” about that. (As you can imagine, that relationship didn’t last!)

Her First–and Last–Christmas Dress!

Later that night I came home, pulled my new pup into my lap, laid hands on her head and prayed a blessings over her, saying, “Gracie…I bless you in the name of the Lord with a long life, a generous spirit, a kind and obedient nature, and a keen ability to be used in the ministry; that through you, God would lead me to people who need to meet Jesus and connect me with those I’d never connect with apart from you. The Lord bless you, for you are God’s grace to me.” I remember this prayer so well because I’ve laid hands on her and prayed it almost every day for the 4 years since.

Trick-or-Treaters!

Humiliated on Halloween!

And BOY has God answered that prayer, exceedingly! Just a few weeks ago, on a beautiful summer Saturday, I dedicated a new baby at the home of someone I met through Gracie. The sweet baby’s mother and I met while she was the manager of the pet store where I buy our dog food. Her family wanted to dedicate their baby but didn’t have a church to call home. She remembered that I was a pastor and asked someone to look me up in the system, searching by my dog. Suddenly I got a phone call and found myself in the middle of a backyard, surrounded by strangers, telling them about a Kingdom in which God was crazy about them. Again, Gracie was the catalyst that God used to make an eternal connection.

Bumping Into Governor Malloy at the Pet Store!

Skyping with Korea

Gracie and I will both celebrate a shared birthday together on 10/10 and just a few weeks later we will mark our 4th anniversary as “Pack Leader and Pack Follower” (we alternate who occupies which role!). During the last 4 years, God has walked us through some incredibly painful challenges on extremely dark days as well as through some joy-filled moments that rival one another for the title of “best.day.ever.”

Recovering from Surgery after a Vicious Dog Attack–Thank God for Protecting Her and Keeping Her Personality So Sweet!

Swimming in Long Island Sound

Starting to look a bit alike… 🙂

The word “Grace” is defined as “God’s un-merited favor,” and I can think of no better-fitting name to describe my beloved companion. Gracie is simply a gift from God; an un-deserved gift that teaches me—and all that come in contact with her—about the Lord’s loving kindness and favor that is offered to anyone who is willing to receive it. Unconditionally.

With her Friend Nola

With her Best Friend Chai, a Greater Swiss Mountain Dog

With Her Cousin Kyler

That prayer for God to use Gracie has been answered over and over in the last four years and her influence is international in scope. Whether it’s spending the evening visiting with our adoptive Mexican grandmother, greeting the young Jewish men studying at the Yeshiva down the street, or spending the day in the office at the Korean church where I work, Gracie is always reminding me, and those we come in contact with, about the Kingdom of God.

In fact, my little Muslim neighbor girls from Bosnia have now plastered my fridge with love-notes to my dog. And when they come to my kitchen window with joy–and sometimes tears–calling for Gracie, the Kingdom reminds me that they, like all of us, are really calling for Grace.

Happy 4th Birthday, Gracie Girl! And many more.

P.S. If you aren’t already over-dosed on Gracie pics, here’s a few more 🙂

Love Notes from Neighbors

Nothing Makes That Dog Smile Like a Little Child!

…Or a Belly Rub…

…Or a Frozen Korean Melon Bar!

Sunset in the Park

A Nap on the New Couch

Posing Unashamedly.

Lounging on the Balcony

This year I wondered what it would look like if my resolutions originated, not with my own questions, as usual, but with some of the questions that Jesus asked.

Although it’s been a New Year’s resolution of mine for more Januaries than I’d like to admit, I still didn’t finish learning the Lord’s Prayer in Korean this year.  Somewhere between the place where His kingdom comes and His will gets done, I fizzled out again. And if the statistics are accurate it seems that I’m in good company. The Wall Street Journal once cited a 2007 study from the University of Bristol which showed that 78% of people who set New Year goals failed to fulfill them.  Given the bleak prospect of success (my own failure rate is likely much higher!), what is more shocking than the statistic itself is the notion that most of us will still continue to set new resolutions for the coming year even though the majority of us didn’t keep them the last time around.  Or the time before that.

Formal or informal, most of us will contemplate the setting of some kind of goals for 2012.  And although we might not be aware of it, often the starting point by which the majority of us will arrive at those goals is by first asking ourselves some questions. As we contemplate how we might attain the future that we are hoping for we will often begin with an internal quiz of sorts that leads us to our resolutions.   Perhaps that dialogue might sound something like this:

• How can I stop smoking?  I will cut back to 2 cigarettes per day and go cold turkey in March.  I will talk to my doctor and ask for support from my family.
• How do I get a raise or promotion at work?  I will offer to take the lead on the next project, prepare more for meetings and will meet with my supervisor for mentoring
• How can I get more energy?  I will cut out 300 calories a day and drink water.  I will go to bed by 10:30 and will get some exercise during lunch at least 3 days a week
• How can I be more financially secure? I will aggressively pay off credit card debt by June and will work at creating a 2 month emergency fund by the end of the year
• What kind of relationships do I want to have?  I will date my spouse on Thursdays and turn off the laptop until the kids go to bed. I will join a small group at church.™
• How can I achieve a happier, more peaceful life…?

Simply put, the goals that we set are most often born out of our internal questions about ways to cultivate a better future for ourselves.  And it is in answering these questions that most of us find our resolutions for the New Year.  When we arm ourselves with the prospect of improving life during the next 365 days, excitement and hope mingle, if only for the first few weeks. So, maybe there is a better way to go about our goal setting.  Perhaps we need a new perspective on the transition to January 1^st that will increase the odds of our success.

G.K. Chesterton had this to say about our concept of the “new year,”

“The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year.  It is that we should have a new soul…”

A new soul!  What an incredible thought!  Instead of aiming all our focus on improving how we look, what we drive, and who we are with, what if we saw God’s transforming power at work in our souls this year? 

Transforming our Minds

Whenever the idea of personal transformation is brought up, Romans chapter 12 is commonly quoted and with good reason:

¹ Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.

² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Perhaps so many of us fail at becoming new each year because we are not becoming re-newed in our minds!   It is only from this renewed place that we can begin to see more clearly God’s will for our future.  Transformation won’t happen—new souls won’t happen—by continuing to form our goals based on the questions that we ask out of our un-renewed thinking.

As we begin this new year reflecting on the questions that come from the heart of Jesus rather than the mind of man, we may find that our resolutions have been rescued from the pit of ineffective failure and have landed our souls into a place of transformation.

Transforming our Questions

So, this year I wondered what it would look like if my resolutions originated, not with my own questions, as usual, but with some of the questions that Jesus asked.   There are over one hundred recorded for us throughout the New Testament and each of them can contribute to our transformation and renewal.  Here are a few that have resonated with me the most in this season.   As I prayerfully reflected on their context and intent, God began to speak to me about the personal goals He is asking me to adopt this year.

Here are just a few of Jesus’ questions and the goals I’ve established in response:

™ Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your lifespan? (Matthew 6:27)

• After a long hiatus I will begin to regularly journal again.  This discipline has always proven to be helpful in processing anxiety as it allows me to express my concerns before the Lord and to have a written record of God’s past faithfulness.

™ Why are you anxious about clothes? (Matthew 6:28)

• I’ve never considered myself to be an overly materialistic person, but recently I’ve noticed that a greater preoccupation with “stuff” has crept into my thinking.  The last phone I purchased had more bells and whistles than I needed; and, the joy I once had at driving a car that had been “paid off” began to wilt as I realized that our church parking lot looks an awful lot like the showroom of a luxury dealership.  This year, I will commit not to upgrade unnecessarily and to make the stewardship of what God has already provided a much higher priority. (Does the oil in my car really need to be changed every 3,000 miles?)

Why do you notice the splinter in your brother’s eye yet fail to perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?(Matthew 7:2)

• My life has been plagued by a “thorn in the flesh” for many years now—a person that has wreaked emotional havoc in our family’s life due to her own family of origin issues.  When I was younger, she attempted to reach out to me by writing a letter asking for forgiveness. In my immaturity I ignored that letter and my bitterness only grew.  After several years of pushing that memory away, God has begun to put his finger on my self-righteous attitude, in general, and with this individual, in particular.  This year, I will write that long-overdue letter of response and, in doing so, come face to face with my own plank.  While it might not change things in the relationship (although it just might!), I believe God will use it to change me and my quickness to see fault in others before I see it in me.

Why are you terrified? (Matthew 8:26)

• Jesus put this question to his disciples as they got thrashed about at sea during a storm. God used this question to point to some fear in my own life, chiefly, the fear of man.  Proverbs 29:25 paints a picture for us—fearing man more than God will be like stepping your foot into a trap.  In reflection, I’ve found that every decision that I made while operating under the fear of man has been the wrong decision.  My goal in this area is to be more reflective and hence discerning of my motives regarding decision making and the tackling of tough issues. I will, and now have, sought out a pastoral counselor who I will meet with monthly to help contend with the people-pleasing nature and compassion fatigue that ensnares so many ministers in that fear-of-man trap.  Interestingly, within the first week of this year I had the opportunity to put this goal into action as it became clear that a serious issue of brokenness in the life of a fellow ministry leader from another church needed to be addressed.  Although I knew it was necessary to bring the situation to light, a large part of me still desired to “keep the peace” by keeping my mouth shut.  However, through the Holy Spirit’s prompting and the counsel of a wise ministry mentor, the tendency to operate in the fear of man was suppressed, the necessary steps were taken, and a tremendous work of healing and restoration has already begun.   Praise God!

These are but a few of the challenges that I believe God is leading me to take up in this new year.  “Why are you sleeping,” another favorite question of Jesus, is already crying out to be answered in ways that will call me to wake up in certain areas of my life. Here are a few more questions recorded in Scripture that God might use to spark your own practical, spiritual resolutions as you reflect on them:

• Do you believe I can do this? (Matthew 9:28)
• Did you never read the scriptures? (Matthew 21:42)
• Why did you doubt? (Matthew 14:31)
• How many loaves do you have? (Matthew 15:34)
• But who do you say that I am? (Matthew 16:15)
• What profit is gaining the whole world but losing your soul? (Matthew 16:26)
• If you cant be trusted w/worldly wealth who will trust you w/true wealth? (Luke 16:11)
• Has none but this one returned to give thanks to God? (Luke 17:18)

Chesterton Revisited

Here is Chesterton’s quote in its entirety:

“The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man makes his New Year resolutions, he would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective.”

As we begin this new year reflecting on the questions that come from the heart of Jesus rather than the mind of man, we may find that our resolutions have been rescued from the pit of ineffective failure and have landed our souls into a place of transformation.  Perhaps God will use His son’s words to challenge you to:

• Put more energy into your spiritual growth in specific ways
• Carve out more time for your family and cultivating healthy relationships
• Make a habit of giving God your anxiety not numbing it with an activity or substance
• Actively pursue ways to serve rather than waiting for opportunities to come to you
• Forgive someone who has caused you pain and let them off your hook
• Commit, for one year, to forgo unnecessary upgrades to your devices
• Stretch yourself in giving and serving lavishly and in secret
• Make God’s interests your top priority even at the cost of personal interests

Am I the 12%?

So instead of ending next year with the questions, “Why did I fail? How did I get so off track again?  When will things change?,” I want to start this year with the questions of Jesus and let them form the goals that I will make.  In changing the criteria for making my resolutions, I’m praying that I’ll be a part of the 12% who succeed in seeing the kind of lasting change that brings about personal, eternal transformation.  Yes, I am still hoping to keep my car cleaner, to lose a few pounds, to blog more often and to finally finish memorizing the Korean Lord’s prayer–and there is nothing wrong with those resolutions! But this year, I’m sensing that it’s time to dig a little deeper.  And maybe somewhere in the process I’ll find that, this time, God has given me a new soul and not just another new year.

Several times over the past few years I’ve begun, then quickly abandoned, the practice of blogging.  And while I love communication–written and spoken–I’ve struggled with the concept of blog themes.  Should I focus on intercultural ministry?  Perhaps chronicle my first years as a SFP (Single Female Pastor)? Or should I use it as a public forum with which to regale readers with stories of my dog Gracie, a topic on which I am willing to hold forth at great length at the slightest provocation! 

While I was busy trying to think up themes for a blog I hadn’t written, I was actively engaged in telling stories from last Thursday’s conversation with the mail carrier or that eventful morning in the laundry room; something God showed me while driving over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel or while sorting through boxes of childhood memorabilia long-lost in the attic.  And the thing is, more often than not, these stories connect with people on deep levels and usually lead to conversations (and, let’s face it–laughter!) about God’s activity in our lives.

Last week, after a remarkable and chance encounter singing hymns in the Bronx with a man who resembled Santa Claus (this will likely wind up in a future blog!), I realized that here–at the intersection of these experiences and my love of communicating–is the sweet spot that I’ve been looking for.  And it reminded me of one of the blogs that I created almost three years ago but never once used.  I called it “The Malachi Message” after I was struck by a Scripture I had read that day.

Malachi, or “the messenger,” is the name given to the last book in the Old Testament.  God’s people had suffered through generations of captivity and bondage and had been given promises of a better day just around the corner. But, that day hadn’t come just yet.  While they hoped for blessings they found poverty, famine, drought, sickness and moral decay, instead; skepticism, pride and rebellion were gaining ground and–in feeling forgotten by the Lord–they themselves were the ones who had forgotten God.

So Malachi wrote.  He wrote to encourage the discouraged.  He wrote to rekindle the flames of God’s favor that they had extinguished by their disobedience.  He wrote to strongly call them back to remembrance of the Lord’s work in their history and of their responsibility to follow Him with unhindered hearts and whole offerings.  Only in remembering his faithfulness and obeying His rule would they experience his favor.

Here’s the verse from Malachi 3:16 that struck me:

Then those who feared the LORD talked with each other, and the LORD listened and heard. A scroll of remembrance was written in his presence concerning those who feared the LORD and honored his name.

The Malachi Message is a place where people who fear the Lord can talk together while He listens in!  And maybe our stories of seeing Him illuminated in rush-hour traffic, in chance encounters with strangers on subways, in grocery store check-out lines and hospital waiting rooms will become our own scrolls of remembrance that honor His name and encourage us to never forget the infinite demonstrations of His great faithfulness.

And along the way, we’re going to laugh.  Yes, I think we’re going to laugh a lot!